Creditcard grappen

In de Verenigde Staten van Amerika hebben ze veel creditcards en dus ook veel meer grappen over creditcards. De grappen zijn dan ook in het Engels. Vertalen kan wel, maar de meeste grappen boeten dan aan kracht en lol in. In ieder geval staat bij sommige grappen de vertaling erbij. Ken jij nog een goede creditcard-grap? Mail hem maar door.


Cardholder name

Anyone traveling on business for our company must fill out an expense report. A field on the form asks for 'name on credit card'. One Einstein entered 'MasterCard'.


Stolen creditcard

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife did.

Een man deed geen aangifte van een gestolen kaart: de dief van de credit card spendeert er minder mee dan zijn vrouw.


Signature

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


Blonde

I saw a blonde babe at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".


Dead

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’
Citibank: ‘That might help....’ Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’


Information Technology

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.


Creditcard application

So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?

What it says: 'You have demonstrated financial responsibility...'
What it means: You're breathing!

What it says: 'Our membership is difficult to obtain...'
What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible... in most states!

What it says: 'We have shortened the application process...'
What it means: We need lots of new members fast or we'll go out of business!

What it says: 'You have no predetermined credit limit...'
What it means: We're not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency.

What it says: 'Exceptional Customer Service...'
What it means: Except when you need it!

What it says: 'Trained customer representatives await your call...'
What it means: This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?

What it says: 'To apply for membership, fill out this short form...'
What it means: You'll get the long form later.

What it says: 'You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else...'
What it means: Catch us, if you can!

What it says: 'We look forward to receiving your completed application...'
What it means: We baited the hook, let's see if anyone bites!

What it says: 'You've been pre-approved...'
What it means: You've been pre-approved to be Rejected!" or "We've already prepared your letter of denial.


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